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gekwetst kindLaura is een 24-jarige verpleegkundige, opgegroeid in een dorp in Noord-Holland, waar haar ouders een bedrijf in de glastuinbouw runnen. Ze heeft 2 zussen, een stuk ouder, zij is een nakomertje. Zij voelt zich altijd achtergesteld, veronachtzaamd door iedereen, maar vooral door haar ouders, die de hele dag in de kassen bezig zijn, en ’s avonds de administratie verzorgen. Er wordt meestal alleen op zondag samen gegeten, verder zorgt iedereen voor zichzelf. Ook haar zussen waren vooral met zichzelf bezig, proefwerken, studietoetsen en tentamens, en zo nu en dan een schoolfeestje waren belangrijker dan bv. met kleine Laura een paar spelletjes te doen. Die vonden ze eigenlijk de mindere, in intelligentie, uiterlijk onaantrekkelijk, verlegen, kortom in vele opzichten gedroegen zij zich superieur.

Laura voelde zich haar hele jeugd alleen gelaten, weinig contact met haar ouders, en weinig vriendinnetjes. Op school leek het erop alsof de anderen niet graag met haar wilden spelen, en zij was bang een fout te begaan en uitgelachen te worden. Ze was een teruggetrokken kind, dacht dat ook de juf haar links liet liggen, durfde nooit eens kattenkwaad uit te halen, vaak stond ze helemaal alleen op het schoolplein. Bij alles wat ze deed, was ze bang afgewezen te worden, want ze deed immers nooit iets goed. Dat gevoel hield ze latere jaren vast: ‘Ik stel niets voor, niemand ziet het met mij zitten, ik word overal buitengesloten’. Het zijn zich herhalende, knellende gevoelens.

Na een aantal opleidingsjaren was Laura als verpleegkundige in dienst getreden bij een zorginstelling. Daar deed ze flink haar best om met de veelal oudere patiënten een vertrouwensvolle band op te bouwen. Maar ze was steeds onzeker over zichzelf, vond die oude mevrouw het echt gezellig met haar over haar kleinkinderen te praten of deed ze maar zo. Soms werd ze uitbundig geprezen, dat deed haar echt goed, maar een paar uur later viel ze weer terug in haar onzekerheid. Ze wilde graag weten, of iemand echt om haar gaf, zocht steeds een bevestiging.

Hoe komt het dat Laura zo onzeker is, zo overdreven reageert op vermeend gedrag van anderen? Is er objectief een reden te vinden? Een vriendin raadt haar aan zich een gebeurtenis voor de geest te halen, waarin ze zich niet begrepen voelde, afgewezen werd. Ze herinnerde zich hoe ze eens thuis kwam, en moest vertellen, dat ze een flinke onvoldoende met Nederlands had gehaald. Haar moeder was als een razende tegen haar tekeer gegaan, en zei niet nog eens naar haar resultaten te vragen, want Laura was het niet waard aandacht aan haar te besteden, zulke teleurstellingen van haar dochter kon ze niet verdragen. Laura vertelde hierop nauwelijks te hebben gereageerd, ze was het gewend zo door haar moeder behandeld te worden. Nu beseft ze dat ze niet haar mond had moeten houden. Bovendien was dit een negatieve uitschieter, sindsdien had ze weer goede cijfers gekregen. Haar vriendin stelde haar voor vaker negatieve situaties uit het verleden terug te roepen, wat ze daarna ook deed. Daardoor leerde ze langzamerhand haar moeder met terugwerkende kracht vanuit het nu van repliek te dienen. Het betekende een grote opluchting voor haar.

Je moet afrekenen met je verleden, met het gemis aan aandacht, met emotionele verwaarlozing.  Je bent zeker in staat je negatieve ervaringen ook nu nog te bestrijden. Ook jij kunt meer dan je denkt, en anderen voor mogelijk houden.

Zie ook: Van Genderen, Jacob en Seebauer, Patronen doorbreken. Uitgeverij Nieuwezijds , Amsterdam

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